appetite-2-write

(For Emily, my Muse)

The Universe, indifferent,
Orders the way of things.
We are powerless,
Yet conjure grand schemes.

And our magic is doomed,
Crushed, flattened, twisted and bruised,
As our hopes are dashed,
Melting away, in misty sad tears.

Indifference is blind,
She carries no compass, nor watch, nor ruler,
And measured scales will never trick,
Our sentiment-free, destroyer of dreams.

Yet all of the failures, all of the pain,
Fall into line at the call of the cosmos,
And that dream’s memory of hopeless rehearsals,
Transforms, creating a perfect première.

The script falls together, it all makes sense.
Decades of queuing in solitary sadness,
Indifference, my mentor,
Finally reveals her plan.

The Universe, indifferent,
Has ordered the way of things.
And I am grateful,
For the grand scheme she conjured for me.

(08.11.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

If in your pain, you want to inflict,
Don’t run and hide, come to me quick,
I won’t ever be angry.

In the darkening chasms of night,
Never despair, I will be there,
Promise me please, you’ll call me.

No need for drama, theatrical crap,
Or anything other, just I’ve got your back,
I will be close, even if far, I will be there.

Then when wanted words choke in rivers of tears,
I can and will hold you, if even for years,
Together we’ll beat off your demons.

And if the unthinkable happens,
Don’t turn away, please be a good friend,
Tomorrow’s another day.

So . . .

Come to me, contact me,
Somehow reach out to me,
Phone me or text me or email or letter me.

Shout at me, beat down a path to me,
Thump on the door, stamp on the floor,
Break down a wall and any trap door.

Sail to me, fly to me,
Run, crawl or walk to me,
Hitch a ride, steal a truck,
Take the bus, what the fuck!

[whispered]
I’m here for you!
Here for you!
For you!
You!

(03.11.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

I never wish to trespass,
I pledge to never step,
Too close to any comfort zone,
Whose frontiers you erect.

I never want to hurt you,
I wish you total calm,
In borderlands of safety,
Where you cannot be harmed.

I never seek to damage,
Or be a source of pain,
And all my power and willingness,
Is focused on that aim.

I always hope you’re happy,
I try to not be wrong,
But sometimes, let’s be honest,
I’m really not that strong.

Now I must seek permission,
In quest of certain things,
Creating a condition,
That your consent you bring.

I find that too one sided,
For equal souls should share,
Their share of all approvals,
Between two souls who care.

I dare not ask permission,
Denial would cause such pain,
Could we please deal in positives,
Resulting in the same?

Now what you want to stop, will stop,
But if you change your mind.
I ask that now that you’ve said “stop”,
You will say “start” again.

But only let that “start” be said,
If of it you are sure.
We have to both be comfort led,
If we’re to feel secure.

And if that means forever,
We just walk hand-in-hand,
At least I will be sure that you,
Can fully understand.

That of the terrors I fear most,
Is that of cold rejection,
I told you, I have paid that price,
And now must change direction.

(31.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

I know that sometimes this life is confusing,
Others folks judge us and that’s not amusing,
We try to please them and try to adapt,
As they fill up their buckets, and throw us their crap.

All that is left at the end of the day,
Is sticking together to wish them away,
Let’s live for the good times and pray for less stress,
I’ll stand right beside you and hope for the best.

Our good times together outnumber the bad,
By fifty to one, but when you are sad,
It’s hard to remember, please, where do you leave,
That smile whose beauty is hard to believe?

The neck and the legs and the tummy you hate,
Never forgetting the feet that you rate,
As totally dirty and wholly unclean,
At least this reserves them for loving by me!

How long you can keep up that serious face,
Til laughter replaces it, taking its place,
Now life is too short, for even fake sadness,
Without gentle laughter, we’re all doomed to madness.

Millions of seconds spent watching the ocean,
Whose waves describe our confusing emotions,
Cuddled together we’re two that are one,
And ours is much more than most ever become.

How you make fun of the way that I stand,
And laugh at the fact that I’m just an old man,
But age is no factor in souls that can’t add,
They need not conform to the book keeper’s tabs.

The smile and the squeak when I find that place,
That tickles your feet, and the whole of your face,
Erupts in giggles, you just can’t stop,
And I can’t take my eyes off your beauty.

The squeals of delight when you see a new puppy,
Or kitten or other such creature as lovely,
The pure gentle kindness I sense when I view,
You looking towards me and I look at you.

Yes, rubbing your back and stroking your hair,
Watching you snug in the warmth of your chair,
The long looking love that I see in your eyes,
Bringing bright dawns, before the sunrise.

The cuddles we want that could last for eternity,
Cast adrift, in silence and wordlessly,
Forced to part at the end of the day,
Where memories of feelings and images stay.

(01.11.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

My past,
A history of rejections.
Partial and whole.

My story,
Chapters of sad endings,
Pages with footnotes of dismissal.

But you arrived,
And as I am,
You have embraced me.

No need for re-writes,
No editing,
No hoops to jump through.

That is why,
I say “thank you”.
And I will.

And you will smile,
Roll your beautiful eyes,
Yet accept my thanks.

Then I too will smile,
Knowing you’re sure,
How great is your gift to me.

(31.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

Butterfly, butterfly, wish that I’d checked,
And bought you myself, as a gift for her neck.
Expressing my love, through your beautiful form.
Alas, that I didn’t, forever forlorn.

Papillon, papillon, now that my chance is gone.
What can I do? Please send me a clue.
Your mistress so fond, of such graceful things.
Fell straight down in love, with your colourful wings.

Butterfly, butterfly, soothe her if ever she
Cries or she’s sad, or I make her so mad,
When I think that her “yes”, could be “yes” or be “no”,
Maybe mix up her birthday, or don’t say hello.

Papillon, papillon, under her clothes,
Please share your nectar wherever she goes.
I know that you’re near to her soft tender skin,
For each time I hug her, you flutter your wings.

(28.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

You really couldn’t see far down the strand,
Pleated grey curtains of spray obscured the distance.
Our universe, compressed to a unity of syncopated sighs.
We watched the heaving waves; rise and fall, come and go.
Side by side.

We fell out of rhythm, gently landing in a place without time.
A place without place, but we were there, it was real,
You told me you were safe now, and I was too.
But maybe we were in a dream of dreaming of waves?
Side by side.

Once were two swimmers, struggling among breakers,
Tossed by the upswell and billow and riptides.
When currents of chance cast them high up the beach,
On the ridge of a roller, delivered to heal.
Side by side.

The dream, in the dream of the dreamers unfolded,
Their tear-streaked bodies could dry in the sun.
Clear of the dangers, released from their struggles,
Both began merging, almost now one.
Side by side.

You really can’t see far down the future,
Pleated grey curtains of doubt obscure the distance.
Our universe, perhaps a unity of synchronized sighs,
I hope we will watch the heaving waves; rise and fall, come and go.
Side by side.

And in that calm moment, when all oceans fall tranquil,
A precious time, giving time to reflect.
We’ll find that our dream is the dream of the dreamers,
Holding a place, in the place without time, where some day we’ll wake.
Side by Side.

(28.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

Our trains don’t run on schedule,
But they glide along parallel tracks.
Each train has two drivers,
One named love, the other desire.
The first is pure emotions, the second all commotion.
Paired drivers need to be carefully balanced,
When the train jolts, we know they are not,
Sometimes my second driver shouts too loud,
That’s when I’m scared that our trains might leave the tracks.

Your drivers always seem such a perfect match,
But lately your second sounds just a little louder sometimes.
I don’t know, maybe they’ve been planning behind our backs?
Anyway, I thought I should let you know,
And please do correct me if I’m wrong.
Maybe our first drivers could get together and discuss?
Perhaps you could help me with my second driver too.
If we can just keep our drivers balanced the trains will run perfectly.
That’s what we both want.

(27.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

Consider the bullying tactics of those,
Whose brains are so small, they might fall out their nose.
They taunt and they plague, they mock and they tease,
Such cruelties emerging, as oft as they please.

The average tormentor who threatens and harms,
Does so entirely without any qualms.
They ridicule, wind up and heckle abuse,
They’re good for nothing, completely no use.

Consider the target of some of these pranks,
A creature of beauty, who owed them no thanks.
With graceful neck and plentiful brains,
They almost managed to drive her insane.

Cold cruel oppressors would shout her down,
Diminish her value and twist her around.
Falsely creating a sense of the ugly,
Their nastiest insults delivered so smugly.

But let’s set aside now the bullying crowd,
Who heckled and taunted and teased her out loud.
We’ll tell her we’re sorry, she suffered their jokes,
And all of the vile, vicious words that they spoke.

As reality dawns, she’s a vision of grace,
Her neck and her hair and that bright smiling face.
Eyes that could freeze a raged pride of lions,
Holding their gaze in silent defiance.

She’s charming and graceful and elegant too,
Plus gorgeous and lovely she’s beautiful: you!
My honest belief, please don’t be downcast,
My friend the giraffe will have the last laugh.

(24.10.23)

(For Emily, my Muse)

It was breezy, but warm, just after that storm.
We walked on the beach and kicked at the traces,
Of weeds ripped free, a horizon blue-grey,
Stood almost in reach; as I watched, and I wondered.

Your sudden kind smile . . .

And down on the bridge, the waves from below,
Called up with a sigh, their witness to life,
Your cold hand found mine, and my tearless cries,
Dry, silent; as I watched, and I wondered.

Your limitless love . . .

Searching for whales, quiet ghosts, gliding waves,
I held you as tight as the bark holds its tree.
While hoping to bring, as the seasons played by,
Support in all things; as I watched, and I wondered.

Your beautiful laugh . . .

The birds dived for fish, their wings folded flat,
Southwest of the Mizen, beneath the big swell.
The wind had us chilled, yet our hearts warmed within,
Caressing the rocks, rolling waves; as I watched, and I wondered.

Your presence enough . . .

Above all, the light, keeping ships from sure danger,
Their wreckage and sinking delayed for a time.
We sailed on turbulent oceans of sadness, yet sure, yes sure,
That the pain, it was worth it; as I watched, and I wondered.

Your head on my shoulder . . .

Your sudden kind smile, and limitless love,
Your beautiful laugh, and presence enough,
Your head on my shoulder, your breath so calm,
Now you sleep, safely sleep; as I watch, and I wonder, and smile.

(23.10.23)